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| I'm so stuck in what I want, what I deserve, and what to actually do. Cory and I have been through so many ups and downs. Some days he's Mr. Amazing and other days I wish I never met him. I'm so torn. I love him to death but I don't deserve to be treated the way he treats me. He doesn't abuse me or anything (that, I'm thankful for). What he does do though gives me all the perfect reasons to leave him.
He leaves June 2nd for Marine boot camp. I can't wait until he leaves. That sounds horrible, right? I agree. I'm not the only one that feels that way though. Everyone who's been apart of my life this last year is ready for that change too. Let's see, our two year anniversary is in 3 weeks. Crazy how life moves so fast. The beginning was the best year of my life. Yes, definite ups and downs that caused almost break ups but I really think that made us stronger. I've noticed a similar routine with him that I hate. Right before he's supposed to actually leave for boot camp (since his date has been moved a lot -October, March, April, May, and now June-) he's an asshole. Right after he was supposed to leave he's the sweetest, most loving guy toward me. Somewhere in the weeks he changes though. He's such a roller coaster- I hate it.
The way he does things is annoying and heart breaking. We're not a normal couple, not even close. We don't talk every night, we don't see each other on weekends, we don't go out on dates, we don't really celebrate holidays together. It's just the way we've always been- it may seem stupid and weird to others but it's just the way we've rolled since the beginning. Well since we don't really talk to each other and he doesn't exactly treat me like a princess, seeing each other as much as possible is the best way for him to prove his affection for me. Whether it's nice little stay in day or out with friends: either is nice as long as I'm with him. That's all I truly want. Just to be with him.
He has a problem with commitment and priorities. When I think we're supposed to have a day together (if we spend time together during the week, it's roughly only two days from about noon or 1 to a little after 4... not very much time at all) I try to get a hold of him. Something always comes up. I always get canceled on. His friends have the better of him. I never see him. He tells me I'm not his last priority but sure as hell feels like it. He always makes me cry (because of his lack of commitment). He always hangs out with everyone but me. We're always bickering about something. He picks his friends of me. I've given him money when he needs it, I've befriended all of his friend, I've helped bail him out of jail for the stupid shit he does, I've gotten closer to his family. I know, I know.... I don't deserve this.
I've been going through this since last summer. He's changed a few times since then. Been a sweetheart for weeks but it always goes back to the same routine. I'm lost. So many people think I should just leave him. It's so much easier said than done. It may not seem like it to anyone but it's so hard when you're so in love with someone and you get nothing in return. I've been on the verge of breaking up with him for months now. He is even aware of it. He was worried when he heard it but he sure as hell doesn't seem to act like it.
I'm just kind of waiting it out until he leaves and if he doesn't seem to realize what he has when he gets back for his ten days leave, then I have to end it. I can't marry someone who treats me like an object. I hate how his friends influence him. It's horrible. I want the old Cory back... but I guess I'll have to find out the hard way to see what happens. Many people think it's a bad idea for me to waste my summer for someone who may not even be worth it in the end. I'm not going to waste my summer. It's not like I'm going to date around, but I'll get my life on my own path/track and deal with my past when it catches up to me.
Till then, I guess time will tell.
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| So today I spent my Christmas Eve with Cory, his soon to be 1 year old brother (Joey), his dad (Chris) and step mom (Cindy) at his step mom's parents house. Well when I first got to Cory's dad's house, his dad hugged me which really shocked me. (I don't go there ever and his dad isn't one to be so friendly to any of Cory's friends). First off, their house is HUGE! It's worth about 3 million. They have this pool room with an indoor pool, hot tub, pool table, mini bar, tv, couch, dining room, bathroom, closet, and a sonna. That room alone is as big as my house. Then it's two or three bedrooms that are really large, the parents bedroom closet is as big as my bedroom. They have a work out room, three garages (one is so large you can fit two of my house in there), three bathrooms and a huge window that over looks the Dayton Valley. It's insane! Well Cory was completely sweet the whole night, held my hand everywhere and introduced me to everyone. He served me my food and kept his arm around me as much as possible. He kept telling me he loved me and kissed and hugged me. We all sat around this large 10 foot christmas tree in the living room with Cindy's family (about 20 or so people) and opened presents. It was cute watching Joey (11 months old and dressed as a little santa clause) play with the wrapping paper (first time ever that I met Joey or Cindy out of the year and a half Cory and I have been together). It was nice being around Cory's family and seeing his dad and step mom for a change. I usually hang around Cory's mom and her boyfriend so a new family to visit was great. Over all, the experiance being with my boyfriend was the best ever. I really do now feel like part of the family. I loved it xD | | |
| My trip to Disneyland and Universal was ubber fun. On the 22nd, I got up early with my parents and our family friends Sandy and Chris and we rode the shuttle bus to Disneyland. Just walking through the main gates was a feeling like no other. We decided to ride a little trolly firefighter thing and I was sitting in the back when the driver comes up behind the trolly and takes my hand. He gave me this serious look and stretches out my hand and says "I see you like to make a lot of noise..." I was completely confused until he started ringing the bell in the back of the bus with my hand. =] I got to be in charge of getting people out of the way on Main Street lol. It was fun. After we got off, I got a little sticker badge claming I was a JR firefighter. xP We went on Pirates of the Caribbean and then the Haunted Mansion turned Nightmare Before Christmas. We happend to win a very neat prize randomly. It was a Dream Fast Pass which gives us fast passes (get the front of the line) to some of the busiest rides in both Disneyland and California Adventure. Only 300 people got them and we got lucky. So we took advantage of it. The rides were amazing in both parks and the fireworks were romantic and sweet. It really made me wish Cory was there with me, specially when it started "snowing" (actually they were soapbubbles). My right knee was kind of hurting but it didnt stop me. The following day we went to Universal Studios Hollywood where we of course went and saw all the neat original sets of famous hollywood movies. It was really fun up until my knee was in complete pain. I ended up limping the whole time I was there. Saturday we went back to Disneyland and California Adventure. A lot of the rides seemed to have problems but that didn't stop us from having fun. In the evening, there was a Block Party held outside near the entrance of California Aventure. All the Pixar movie stars (Bugs Life, Monsters Inc., Toy Story, etc) were dancing around on parade floats with some dancers. I was enjoying myself watching them when one of the dancers pulled Chris and me up in front of everyone to dance. It was unbelievable fun (I normally wouldn't do anything like that) but I just let loose and had a blast. Of course after that though my knee only felt worse. Later that night I ended up meeting up with an old friend of mine from S. Lake Tahoe. He works at Disneyland now so we decided to hang out while I was there. Overall my final family fun trip was amazing and I hope there is another one soon =] (just without my knee hurting) | | |
| Have you ever loved someone so much that it felt like your two worlds became one? I really do love Cory a lot, more than anyone I've loved before. He's been my everything for so long. But I have to stop being in denial now and get real. He's not the greatest boyfriend in the world, he used to be for me though. We really have been through our ups and downs plenty of times. He used to be so sweet, telling me I was the one for him and that I'm the most amazing girl in the world. He loved me for me, even though I can be a pain sometimes, he wanted to put up with it because he loved me. He used to call me every night, hold my hand if i was nearby, kiss me when he had the chance. His arms were always near by if I needed a hug. He always told me he loved me when he knew when i was wondering if he did. I never doubted him. He was my best friend, my boyfriend, my love. I wanted to show him off to the world just like he used to do for me. I miss the guy he used to be. I still love him but I should be getting the love back. Lately... Cory won't call or pick up the phone unless I call twice. I start every conversation between us. I'm the one doing all the sweet things for him (drawing pictures, writing notes, just texting to say "i love you, have a good day"). He's usually always having a mood swing and I'm always the one to deal with it... but I'm always polite about it and caring. I kiss him on the cheek all the time and I sneak kisses when I can. I'm the one always saying "I'll be there when you need me" and he never says it back anymore. I've made a habit of saying "I love you." as often as possible to him just so he knows it, but I don't always get a reply. He told me when we were taking our break that he loved me to death and that I'm his most important best friend but as soon as we get back together, I usually have to say it to him and I never hear it back. I'm still happy to call him my boyfriend but I feel like I'm just setting myself up for another heartbreak. I don't want to be without him. I told him though, that if he wants to take another break, I'm not coming back. I probably will come back, but I just won't tell him that. He won't be allowed to talk to me unless he REALLY needed me for something. He would need to call me when he finally decided what he wanted, until then, no hanging out or real talking like we used to be. He needs to see what he put me through. He needs to see what everyone else saw. I've put up with so much. I take him places when he needed to get somewhere (before he had a car). I gave him money when he needed it (all the change i have i give it to him currently and he's borrowed a lot of money i know i'll never see). I'm always there for him, always. I helped him with anything and everything he needed. I'm his moral support. I'm the ear that will listen to him. I'm the voice to give advice. I'm the hugs he needs when no one seems to care. What's he for me? The boyfriend that's never there. So why am I putting myself through this? I really don't know. Love is a big challenge in life and I guess I'm dealing with it differently then most people would. I love that boy even if he makes me miserable. Some people call me stupid, some really believe I'm in love. Whatever your opinion is your own. I got mine. I love Cory. I don't think that will ever change. Let's just hope he loves me (like he claims he does) too. | | |
| Man, so much has changed since I wrote in here last. I graduated from Douglas back in June with great grades. I'm now currently attending Western Nevada College and have been for 2 weeks already. My life has never been so complicated, I'll tell you that. So much has happened since "homecoming 2006". Cory and I are still together. We definitely had our rough patches this summer mainly. I don't know how much I actually cried over him because of it. My summer mainly sucked from the get go. Cory had been acting weird during the whole vacation which upset me a lot. He eventually called a break in the beginning of August and then another one just 2 weeks ago. I swear, I could have made an ocean at the rate I had cried for him. I really love him more than anything in this world and I dont think he can grasp that concept. He claims to love me to death but sometimes it's hard for me to believe that. We're still together though which is what matters. One year and a little over 3 months currently. Why would I wanna give up on something so special to me anyway? Next up, CJ and Brittany have been off and on more than Cory and I have. I don't talk to either of them anymore and haven't talked to CJ since a few days after his birthday in July. He's a changed person and we're just not talking. My aunt who lives down the street has cancer and we dont know how much longer she'll live from it either. My cousin, Monica, she had her baby (the first one resulted in an abortion). He's really cute. Brooke and I have had our clashes and so have Tori and I (only one though). I've done a lot of driving since summer to clear my mind which is one of the best things to do, along with talking to Tori and Amanda about my problems, they seem to know how to make me feel better at my worst. I couldn't ask for any better friends. That pretty much sums it up in the dullest way possible of how life has been since my last entry. I'll try to write more as the year goes on. Love always, Heather | | |
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